The afternoon after I had my baby boy, I was upstairs taking a nap. When I came downstairs my Mom was making dinner. I told her thank you but next time she can spare herself the trouble and use the thawing meal in the refrigerator next time. I was so proud of how prepared I was and wanted her to be proud of me, while I was trying to host her, although I had just had a baby. Let me just say what a complete idiot I was!
Instead we went in the other room and she started crying and said, "I don't feel like you even need me." I didn't know what to say. I was so concerned with appearing like I had everything together, I hadn't allowed my Mother to help me. Fiercely independent to a fault.
As I look back on the last five years all I can think is "I do need you Mom. I need you more than ever."
Today I took my little baby to school for his first day of kindergarten. With a diagnosis of Autism since he was two I have given this child all I have had to give. He is doing incredible but wouldn't you know he didn't want anything to do with his Mom today. As I drove away with tears in my eyes and laughing that my boy was trying to be cool by being independent, like his Mom, I needed my Mom. I needed her to laugh at my situation of me crying and Dane's indifference. To remind me that I was once the same way. To call my little bug the stinker that he is and to laugh at him together. I needed her reassurance that I have done everything on God's green earth that I could have done for him, that he would be fine without me. I needed her today as I felt like I was turning the page on a chapter of my life. I needed her to tell me that although he doesn't think he needs me, he does..... just like I still need her.
